


Coming Undone

by freakingdork



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Episode: s02e12 Profiler Profiled, Episode: s03e05 Seven Seconds, Episode: s03e08 Lucky, Episode: s03e09 Penelope, Episode: s03e15 A Higher Power, Episode: s03e16 Elephant's Memory, Episode: s03e17 In Heat, M/M, Pre-Slash, Season/Series 02, Season/Series 03, Sexual Identity, references to sexual abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-22
Updated: 2012-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-24 20:37:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/267636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freakingdork/pseuds/freakingdork
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”</i> After confronting his abuser, Morgan struggles with his sexuality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He tried to ignore it, that vague feeling signaling that his world was slowly tipping on its head.

It was easy at first. Only a few days after Chicago, they were in Nevada with Frank. The week after that they were in Georgia, watching Reid being tortured via webcam. Then Reid's drug addiction filled his mind until he asked Derek for help kicking the habit. Not long after that, Frank came back to haunt them and Gideon left and his fear that Reid would turn to drugs kept him busy.

And yet, even the serious distractions of work were no match for that nagging question, so he filled in the cracks the best ways he knew how. If he's on call, it's pulling out sinks, lifting weights at the gym, or pounding pavement with his music cranked as loud as he can stand it until he can't breathe anymore, let alone think. When he's on stand down, it's clubs, dancing, booze, and women.

Even the healthiest of coping mechanisms can become unhealthy and he's quick to acknowledge that lately he's bordering on the negative side of things. That's not what worries him. No, what concerns him most is that instead of trying to forget unsubs, he's trying to forget himself.

****

Since it's not going away, he decides to prove it's not true.

He's out drinking when he comes up with the idea, so Derek stumbles through the streets until he happens upon a gay bar. Grabbing a beer is natural, even if the bartender is making eyes at him. In fact, he notices most of the men are staring at him, which he realizes is only fair, considering how unabashedly he's been watching the dance floor. Derek feels like he can't take his eyes off them, their bodies slick with sweat and moving with that familiar practiced ease. The longing to join in is surprising and the strength of it confuses him further.

He's only there for a few minutes before his beer and purpose are forgotten as he rushes out into the cool night air.

****

He decides the gay bar doesn't count because he's used to associating liquor and dancing with sex. There has to be something else, some other way to really know for sure.

And what better way to prove it than to watch gay porn while sober?

****

The porn doesn't count. It doesn't.

Straight men can get aroused by watching two men fuck. Hell, they can even jerk off to it and still be straight.

At least he's pretty sure Garcia or Reid said something like that before.

****

Which is how Derek ends up at another gay bar, his hands sliding from a flat chest down to the slender, gyrating hips of his partner. When he looks up and sees a strong, sharp jawline, it doesn't bother him. He doesn't even mind the wide, masculine hands resting near the base of his skull or the erection pressed up against his thigh. No, it's the white-hot desire in the other man's eyes that has him panicked.

Because he feels the same.

****

From there, he does the logical thing – he goes to another bar and ends up in bed with the first woman who propositions him.

The fact that he can't get it up doesn't mean anything.

****

Except it does, it all means something and he knows it. The growing body of evidence is damning and he can't exactly avoid it anymore. It's not like he'd never questioned his sexuality, but wet dreams about men meant nothing in the face of the nausea he felt when he was awake. Apparently, confronting Buford was cathartic enough to make that all but disappear.

And now that he knows, Derek feels more lost than he was before.


	2. Chapter 2

What appeared to be a straight forward kidnapping case quickly became something far more sinister.

It's not as if child abductions didn't regularly involve sexual abuse, so that wasn’t the thing that had slowly burrowed its way under his skin. It was the fact that Katie had been betrayed not only by her uncle, but her aunt as well.

Family members, by blood or otherwise, were supposed to be people a kid could trust to keep them safe. There was no way for him to be naive about how false that could be, not with his job or his past, and it was always be painful to see a child suffer through the things he had. He knew the feelings they had - guilt, self-doubt, shame, anger, fear, isolation, mistrust - and he knew what they’d have to do to feel as close to normal as they could.

His teammates’ lack of response is actually helpful and he’s sure they know that. Yeah, there’s a flicker of sympathy in Reid’s eye when Derek calls Hotch to tell him what they found at the house and they keep him away from interviewing anyone, even the kid, after that, but really, they keep themselves at a close distance, if that’s possible.

At the end of the day, he gets in his truck without even asking if Reid wants a ride and heads home.

****

He'd just arrived when his phone started buzzing. Looking at the caller id, he grinned half-heartedly.

"Hey baby girl, what's up?"

"Eh, not much I guess. Do you, ah, have plans?"

On the drive home, he’d come up with the idea that he might lay some tile in one of his properties to keep his mind busy, but the tone of her voice worried him a bit. "Naw, I'm free. Did you want to come over? Clooney misses you something terrible."

"Aww, I miss him too. Are you sure you don’t mind?"

He huffed out a laugh. "It’s fine Garcia. Do you want pizza or something else?"

"Oh, don’t order anything, sugar. I'll bring stuff to make my vegetarian chicken and dumplings if that’s alright with you.”

"Damn woman, that sounds a hell of a lot better than pizza. I’m gonna hop in the shower, so just let yourself in."

The quick shower did nothing to ease his mind; as hard as he tried, the case kept coming back to him. Thankfully, he couldn’t help but smile when he found Garcia bustling around his barely used kitchen, Clooney hot on her trail.

“Feel any better?” she asks, smiling back at him.

Derek knows what she's up to. Hell, he knew the moment she called. She's being tricky and he's not entirely sure he minds. It’s not that he really wants to talk, but he appreciates having someone who cares enough to try.

He nods, hoping she won’t pick up on the lie. By the look in her eyes, he can tell she doesn’t believe him.

“Derek, if you want to talk about it, we can, but if you don’t, I’m perfectly content with watching a movie,” she says knowingly, giving him space by turning back towards the oven to check on the food.

Slowly, he lets out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding onto. “Yeah, not tonight mama.”

“In that case, go pick out a movie...the food’s almost done.”

With the help of a good meal and understanding companionship, he does relax, perhaps for the first time in months.

****

For the next couple of weeks, Garcia keeps finding ways to invite herself over and he keeps letting her in. Each time, he comes closer to disclosing his confusion, only to hold back because he can’t find the words to explain his feelings.

****

Rossi couldn’t have had worse timing. It’s not as if he didn’t know Rossi might do this to him, but Derek had hoped he would resist the urge to be an utter jackass.

Because it’s a priest. A fucking priest. In comparison to some deity deciding it would be hilarious to let him believe he was straight for 20-some years and then drop this mess on him, a priest is just terrible icing on a really shitty cake.

So he asks his questions as quickly as possible, trying his best to avoid the thoughts creeping around the outer edges. In the end, it doesn’t matter; the memories of his past flood his mind anyway.

****

His mother had never been very religious, but in the wake of his father’s death, the church and its members became a strong source of support for the whole family, Derek included, and they started going most every week.

 _"You don't know God’s plan, but He does."_

Derek heard that saying a lot - at the funeral, during sermons, from well-meaning church members - and for awhile, he even believed it. It soothed him to believe that there was some grand reason for his pain, that there was some greater being who cared about him and kept an eye on him.

Four years later, when he realized that his father’s death had only led him straight into Buford’s grasp, he couldn’t understand how that could possibly be the plan of a benevolent god.

Some Sundays, still smelling the stench of Buford on his skin, it was almost more than he could bear and the constant platitudes didn’t help. If God saw the tears that threatened to fall most nights, why didn’t He listen to Derek’s pleas for help? If God never showed up late, where was He when Buford’s hands went further than before?

The last straw came when a guest speaker talked about Hell. For once, he started to feel the weight being lifted off his shoulders as the speaker reminded the congregation that people who hurt others would be punished in the end. He felt hopeful - maybe things really would get better, but if not, then perhaps he could at least hold on to the promise of an eventual punishment.

And then, the man spoke about how men who “touched” other men would burn as well.

It would take years to undo the damage that one statement had caused and even once Derek recognized he had done nothing wrong, he still couldn’t imagine how a loving, caring god would have allowed a scared and vulnerable child’s prayers to go unanswered.

****

He’s shocked by the the blunt honesty that comes out of his mouth when Father Marks asks him what happened to make him so full of contempt for religion.

Maybe it was wrong to expect a response less cliched than the standard _“He never gives us more than we can handle,”_ but he wanted to believe a priest would come up with something that doesn’t make him nauseous.

“Your god expects way too much of 13 year old boys,” he spat. Judging by the look on the priest’s face, he’s certain the vitriol in his words made his point.

****

The case ends in a less than satisfactory way and even though he tries to apologize to Garcia for accidentally insinuating that gorgeous men wouldn’t be attracted to her, his invite to go out is only met with a sharp “I already have plans.”

Somehow, Derek ends up in a pew, praying even though he knows Reid’s assumption when they were on the plane was correct - he’d never really been sold on the idea of god. After all these years, it still feels incredibly uncomfortable, like a shoe that doesn’t quite fit, and the longer he sits, the more it aches. First, he tries talking, which leads to asking for forgiveness, as if begging a supernatural being that he doesn’t believe in will make it all just disappear. Eventually, anger starts bleeding into his requests, the questions he had as a kid become unbearable, and finally something inside him snaps.

Coming to church doesn’t make any sense when he thinks about it, but then again, most last ditch efforts don’t.

****

The air in the bar is so hot and thick that he can barely breathe, which he supposes is good because it means he can’t really think either and that’s kind of what he was going for.

His current partner is similar in shape and build as himself and is possibly Hispanic, but the lighting makes it difficult to tell. It doesn’t really matter to Derek as long as the other man keeps rolling his hips and whispering dirty thoughts in his ear. Despite the last time he was at a bar and everything he’s been feeling lately, he still thought it wouldn’t turn him on this much to be this close to another man. And yet, here he is, kissing a man on the dance floor and hard as a rock. So when Victor asks him if he wants to go somewhere more private, Derek’s not surprised that he decides to take Victor up on his offer.

He doesn’t even realize his phone’s been on silent until Victor is hailing a cab.

Nine missed calls and three voicemails from Reid, begging him to pick up and get to George Washington Hospital as soon as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I can’t believe that Morgan was in a church for hours. Because he asked Garcia to go out and she said no. Then she goes on the date, which is at least 1.5 hours, possibly more, then she’s in surgery for “a couple hours” by the time he gets there. Obviously, he was at a gay bar and CBS just wouldn't show us that.


	3. Chapter 3

As he weaves his motorcycle through traffic, there’s only one thought that slips through the haze:

_What if I never get to thank her for the last six months?_

***

It's a testament to how much they care about Garcia that no one notices the time discrepancy of his lies. Well, except maybe Reid. That's fine, he supposes; Reid's more likely to try to figure it out quietly and then dismiss it with a far more logical conclusion than "Morgan was on his way to hook up with another man."

When Garcia is finally able to have visitors, she “admits” that Derek was right, that attractive men aren't interested in her. Besides the fact that it wasn't what he was trying to say and it's definitely not true, it's disheartening to see her internalize such a negative message and to blame herself rather than the bastard who hurt her. He knows a little about that and how damaging it can be.

With all the stress he's under, with his best friend coming so close to death, he can't help but slam his palm against the wall in frustration. When Reid tells him that he needs to stay calm, Derek almost wants to laugh - Reid can't possibly know that the last time he got this upset was back in Georgia. This is calm...or at least as calm as he can possibly be when a person he cares about is in danger.

And now that he thinks about it, his lies about being in church sting worse than before because he wasn't in a pew praying while she was on the table; instead, he was dry humping a guy, considering whether or not he was up to trying out more. So yeah, Derek really does want to know what it means, even if it's hidden in a lie. For just a second, he wonders if this is some cruel punishment for cursing out god or testing out his ideas about his recent revelations before shaking it off as entirely ridiculous.

Because no, even if that were true, his focus can't be on his guilt or himself; it needs to be on hunting this bastard down until Derek can be sure that his friend is safe.

Nothing else matters until this is taken care of.

***

Four days without any leads pass slowly. It's painful, sitting there next to her laying in a hospital bed, knowing that “Baylor,” or whatever his fucking name is, hasn't been caught. He's still out there and there's nothing Derek can do. While Derek thinks it's a bad idea for Garcia to go home with her attacker still on the loose, he won't question her decision. She needs to feel in control, to not have her autonomy questioned; Derek needs her to know that when it comes down to it, she still has power over her life.

It's not until they're fully inside her apartment that he realizes he's never been there before. It's a strange thought - how many times did she come over to his place in the past six months? How many times has Garcia stayed in his guest room, taking care of Clooney while he was on a case? Christ, she has her own key to his house and Derek never even knew her parents had died when she was eighteen. Not that he blames her - it's only been a year since he told Hotch that he ought to be able to have some things just for himself. It's a strange thing to realize that no matter how much it feels like it, they aren't a family.

Because as fiercely as they will work to protect one another, they're even more protective of themselves.

***

Even after she's safe, Derek can't bring himself to tell her.

Garcia slowly stops showing up anyway for no apparent reason, so it's a lot easier to pretend that it's better to keep it all inside.

***

Weeks later, Kevin is standing in Rossi's door and JJ is singing a childish tune and now Garcia's sudden disappearance from his life makes much more sense.

As everyone disperses, Derek heads over to her lair.

"Jesus, warn a girl! You scared the crap outta me Morgan."

"I'm not mad, but when were you going to tell me?"

From the look on her face, Garcia clearly doesn't understand the question. "What?"

"Kevin is talking to Rossi,” he states.

"That bastard!” she exclaims, heading towards the door. “I _told_ him..."

"Garcia!"

It stops her and she stares at Derek, long and hard. "We all have our secrets handsome. Some times we need time to work through things before we're ready to share them, ya know?"

“That's...yeah, you're right mama,” he carefully concedes. “Alright, go kick your boyfriend's ass for not listening to you.”

Garcia grins. “You know I will. Do you wanna get together later tonight?”

Even though he'd like to, Derek feels weird with the idea that he might interrupt Garcia's time with Kevin. “Naw, maybe next week though?”

“Sure thing, sugar. If you'll excuse me, I've got an ass to kick.”

He laughs and follows her out.

***

It's not that he really planned on asking Prentiss to go out to the bar with him, but Derek needed the distraction; now, he's regretting it. She's staring at him like she's trying to dissect him, like she's profiling his reluctance to talk about what's been eating at him for the past few months. They both know it's not fair to break the moratorium on profiling one another, but Prentiss is too drunk to care and Derek is worried that his protests will just intrigue her, make her search harder.

“You're seeing someone and it's not going well?” she finally guesses.

“Yeah,” he says, hoping Prentiss won't mind the lie if she ever finds out.

Drunks always seem to think they're clever, so Prentiss doesn't notice that she got it wrong and spends the whole night asking him questions. Is it serious? Is this person treating him well? Is the job getting in the way? Will he introduce them to the team?

He answers as truthfully and with as little words as possible, if only to be able to keep track of all the lies.

***

It's not until Derek's home, trying to fall asleep that he realizes Prentiss never said “she,” in reference to the person he's supposedly dating.

He's not sure what to think of that.


	4. Chapter 4

He hates taking these cases that aren't cases. There's always so much red tape and plenty of angry detectives and the “what if's” because if they're wrong, who will trust them again? But he's not in charge, so Derek figures Rossi can deal with all the bullshit and possible fallout if it comes to that. It's not that he regularly distrusts JJ's ability to pick out cases, even with so little evidence, but he feels the cynical, questioning part of himself taking over.

Prentiss is paired with him for most of the case and he wishes he could have as much faith in all of this as she does. Even when she plays devil's advocate, Derek can tell she doesn't believe what she's saying, not for a moment.

He doesn't want to be here and he tells himself it's because he doesn't believe in what they're doing.

It's far easier to pretend it's not because he has other things on his mind than to actually admit he just doesn't have the energy for it.

***

The unsub used to pretend he was asleep as his brother James was being abused by their father.

Of course.

_Of course._

His mind skims over the time Buford took him and Rodney out to the cabin together. That's all he lets it do because it's not fair to the unsub's potential victims if he concentrates on anything other than the case.

It's almost funny how often his job pushes his past into his face like this. Derek never really used to notice it, but now that it's stuck in his mind, it won't quite let go of him. He walks away from the group to get some air, but he's not sure how much it'll help.

***

He doesn't go with the team when they tell Detective Baleman that his brother's suicide was genuine.

He hates the juxtaposition between the fact that the suicides were fake, even if they were brought in for one that was real.

***

Prentiss sits across from him on the plane, a look of near hopelessness on her face. When he asks, she wonders aloud if they're actually changing anything. It's something he's sure they all avoid thinking about for the most part because if they did, yeah, they might end up with that pressing against their hearts on a pretty regular basis.

He knows deep down that they do change things and make them better; even if it was too late for James and the others who have slowly been coming forward as the trial date nears, it wasn't for the next generation.

Instead of going down that train of thought, he expounds on something he'd revealed in a moment of distraction, saying, “If I'm not kicking down doors, I'm smashing down walls. At the end of the day, they both make me feel like I'm changing something. For the better.”

Thankfully, it's good enough for her and he feels comfortable enough to put his headphones back on.

***

A couple of weeks later, he's standing in the middle of a property and smashing down walls in an attempt to feel better.

He'd been to the club again the night before and it hadn't gone as well as he would have liked. The fear that something would happen to the team, as illogical as it was, hung ominously in his mind and made him jittery. Then the man he'd been dancing with said something that brought him right back to his abuse and there was no coming back from that.

So he takes a sledgehammer to a wall instead.

Well, at least until his phone rings anyway.

***

It's a rare thing for Reid to be late, even if his car's been in the shop, and no one is gonna seriously believe the “movie” excuse.

“I hope she was worth it,” Rossi jokes.

“I hope it was a she,” slips out of his mouth before he can catch himself and he chuckles nervously at the slip up. Derek's really unsure exactly what he meant by it. Maybe it's because that's not really a road he wants to go down. Nevertheless, he feels like an absolute ass for saying it, but it's not like he can take it back, at least not so publicly anyway.

No one really seems to notice and that's just fine by him.

***

Reid's on edge, more so than Derek would have expected. Anyone who knows Reid's educational history could easily infer just how poorly high school students would react to a twelve year old who was far smarter than them. So, yes, it's a bullying case, a teen who profiles as school shooter, but Reid's reaction is bordering on extreme.

When Hotch calls to tell him that he's sending Reid back to the house to “help” profile Owen's room, Derek isn't surprised in the least. He picks up on the undertones, the implication that he's supposed to refocus Reid's energy into something more productive and Derek doesn't quite know what to do with that.

Despite the dark areas of his past, anything he could possibly say is not nearly enough.

***

That prediction proves to be correct. Sure, he can ramble about how small he was when he entered high school, how working out wasn't about vanity, but he knows it's not even slightly comparable to Reid's experiences.

The sound of Reid's voice as he explains that his mom didn't even notice he was gone, the way it wavers and cracks, is completely heartbreaking. The tears that threaten to fall don't, but it's a near thing. It's what he needs though; Reid needs the outlet, needs to let the story spill out and while Derek is happy to provide the catharsis for Reid, he redirects Reid's attention back to the case as soon as possible. Because while the story needs to see the light of day, Derek knows that letting it go on too long might make Reid break. That's the last thing he wants.

He shouldn't be surprised when Reid doesn't share everything he's figured out or that he stands in the way of their fire. It works out in the end, but it's yet another reminder that they all have the cases that bring their worst memories back to them.

It's certainly a reminder Derek doesn't revel in.

***

Another night at the club, another man, another _failure_.

Perhaps that's not entirely true, but it certainly feels like it each time he connects with someone, only to push other man away before anything goes too far. He wants to be close with them, but finds that want isn't always enough.

This time, Derek brings a man home after a long night of dancing, which is farther than he's gone before; he still hasn't attempted to leave a club with someone since the night Garcia was shot. It's a whirlwind of hands and lips and tongue once they cross the threshold, but it slows as they head back towards the bedroom. He's not sure why he loses his nerve, but it's suddenly too much.

Again.

Except this man, Nick, notices and stops. He says he doesn't mind, which is all kinds of baffling to Derek, but Nick certainly seems sincere when he leads them into the living room and starts a conversation about his landscaping business. It goes hand in hand with Derek's renovating work and he's even done some minor landscaping himself when the house really needed it, so it's an easy topic.

There's a part of him that doesn't understand why Nick is being so kind about it all when he's basically been cockblocked. He could have been mean, he could have left in a huff, but instead he sticks around and talks about the finer points of correctly putting down sod? It's a little confusing.

Nick gives him a few soft kisses and his business card as he leaves, saying Derek should call if he needs help on his houses or anything else.

And yet, Derek can't shake the feeling that he's failed.

***

Miami is always this hot.

Every day. All day.

He goes back to what he knows.

Flirting with detective Lopez should be harder now.

It's not.

***

The GPS doesn't seem like something that would hold so many revelations, but for a gay man who isn't out? Apparently, it holds enough.

"It's a gay bar Hotch."

He can practically hear Hotch's face change over the phone and Derek's just glad he's the one to deal with Will.

***

He doesn't deliver the profile and he hardly speaks when they find the victim from Texas.

Everything rings in his ears instead.

_"Whatever he sees in his victims he wants for himself."_

_"He can't allow himself the vulnerability."_

_"Escape into the fantasty protects him from ever having to look at himself."_

He lets it wash over him, but keeps it from fully sinking in.

***

The latest victim's hotel room adds to the profile of a desperate man who wishes to possess a new identity.

And that leads him to the thought that it's worth profiling the last time there were two victims.

***

Prentiss asks Sarah why her father abused her brother, but not her.

He's glad he's not interviewing Steven's father; the look on Sarah's face tells Derek all that he needs to know.

"Because she's not the one who's gay," he states.

***

As Lopez runs into the hostel, he hates her, just a little bit. He knows how it'll look to Hotch and he's worried that things will go sideways, but he'd never let an LEO take the fall for it. And really, he didn't want to do this part. He'd rather it be Reid or Prentiss or _anyone_ besides himself.

He knows he told Reid that you use your bad experiences to make yourself better at the job, but he knows what bullshit it is, at least in relation to this. The last thing he wants is to dig into this portion of his life to make an unsub listen to him.

Not that it matters; it has to be done.

So when Derek calls his name, trying to remind Steven that he's not Michael, it pains him. Steven is so broken and fear radiates off him in waves. He wants to be anyone but himself and given what Steven went through at home, Derek can't really blame him for trying. As Steven spews out the insults he got at home - stupid, disgusting, filthy - Derek thinks of what he'd most like to hear over a year ago, after he'd run away from the first bar.

It comes to him in a flash.

"Listen to me Steven. There's nothing wrong with you! _Nothing man_."

And while Steven might not fully understand or even agree, there's something that flickers in his eyes. As Derek puts his gun away, he knows he's betting heavily on his own ability to talk Steven down. Mentioning Sarah brings him back and Steven steps away from the edge, dropping the bag. Cuffing Steven is harder than it should be, even though he's gentle and careful not to spook him; he almost doesn't want to do it.

"You have to tell him that I didn't do anything with those other guys, I never did." Steven practically sobs the words out. Even as Derek tries to soothe him, the empathy burns him. He feels it burrow under his skin and knows just how long it'll stay with him.

***

"Well finally," Derek says, watching JJ and Will kiss.

Prentiss grins. "Mmm I thought she was never going to admit it."

"Yeah, what's it been? Like a year?" Reid asks.

"Yeah, something like that," he says.

Something like that indeed.

***

His second date with Nick is dinner at a pub and a free concert in the park.

***

"I'm queer," he says softly.

It's not much, but that doesn't matter; he's never said it out loud, not even to himself.

Prentiss nods. “What's it been? Like, a year?”

“You're such an asshole,” Derek says, playfully shoving her.

“Sorry, sorry. I couldn't help it,” she says. “And you're...okay?”

“Yeah. I'm okay.”


End file.
